Anxious attachment is often formed in childhood through inconsistent or unpredictable caregiving. When a parent or caregiver sometimes meets a child's emotional needs but other times withdraws, the child learns that love and safety are uncertain. This creates a deep-rooted fear of abandonment and a tendency to seek constant reassurance in relationships. Rather than feeling secure in love, anxiously attached individuals develop hyper-awareness to emotional shifts in others, always scanning for signs of rejection or distance. This pattern, once adaptive in childhood, can make adult relationships feel like a high-stakes balancing act.For those of us with anxious attachment, love and connection can feel like an ever-elusive pursuit, shaped by early experiences and deep-seated beliefs about worthiness. It’s not just about relationships—it’s about how we see ourselves, how we navigate closeness, and the unspoken fears that drive our actions.Anxious attachment is not a flaw; it’s a learned survival strategy. Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward freeing ourselves from them. By bringing awareness to these hidden scripts, we can begin to rewrite them, moving from a place of fear to a place of self-trust. Below are some key signs that may resonate if you’ve ever felt like love was something to be earned rather than something you inherently deserve.
For those of us with anxious attachment, the pursuit of being "good enough" often feels endless. Worthiness itself is a moving target. Brene Brown calls this "the hustle for worthiness"—a constant measuring of oneself against imagined standards of what makes someone deserving of love. When securely attached, we understand that being alive is enough to be loved. Yet for those of us who grew up with insecurity, love might have felt conditional... something we earned… through doing, pleasing, or performing.This belief often comes from early experiences where affection or attention seemed tied to how much we gave of ourselves. It’s an exhausting story to carry—an unspoken bargain constantly whispering, If I can just do more and be more, I’ll finally deserve love. But this hustle never delivers. It keeps us in this racket, never realizing that our worthiness was never meant to be earned.
If you’re drawn to deep human connection, preferring intimate conversations to superficial exchanges, this might resonate. Anxiously attached folks often feel stressed in relationships that stay shallow. This yearning for intimacy is an m.o. developed in emotionally inconsistent environments.Learning to read others well was often a matter of survival in childhood. Understanding their moods, motivations, and hidden cues became essential to anticipating when your needs might be met. As adults, this translates into a longing to truly know and be known, sometimes to the point of feeling uneasy if a partner resists going deeper. If the intimacy feels elusive, the pull for closeness intensifies ... like a door to safety and belonging that always feels just out of reach.
If you’ve ever felt like the one who "loves harder" or “loves more” in your relationships, you might relate to the sense of being more invested or committed than the other person. This dynamic is fueled by two things: an inner drive to work on relationships and a tendency to choose avoidant partners.Anxiously attached individuals often misinterpret emotional distance (avoidant attachment) as maturity, chasing partners who struggle to connect. Because so much attention is focused on relationships as the source of stability or self-esteem, it can feel urgent to "build the house of love" without delay. But this urgency isn’t sustainable. While it feels like loving more, it’s often an attempt to fill the void where self-worth hasn’t taken root. Real love is a steady unfolding, not a frantic hustle.
In the early part of a relationship, do you find yourself sitting on your true desires, transforming yourself to be exactly what someone else might desire? For the anxiously attached, this is a common strategy—a tacit agreement to suppress parts of you to avoid rejection.It might feel easy to downplay your needs, at first, convincing yourself they’re unimportant (especially compared to getting the approval of the person you care for). But over time, those hidden parts surface, and this can lead to tension when they clash with the expectations you set early on. Even though it might feel risky, bringing your authentic self in from the start is the only way to break the cycle of making yourself into someone else's idea of "enough."
If your inner world often revolves around relationships—what they mean, where they’re going, how they feel—this will make sense. While securely attached folks balance relational focus with other areas of life, those with anxious attachment often find relationships dominating their thoughts (especially during conflict).When emotional tension rises, it can feel impossible to set it aside. The mind loops, dissecting every word and gesture, searching for reassurance or clarity. This intensity, while understandable, can become overwhelming. It can overshadow the ability to engage fully with your other aspects of life. Learning to hold emotional distress without becoming consumed by it is a vital step toward your inner peace.
For the anxiously attached, relationships often come with a river of overthinking—like a detective always looking for clues. A delayed text response, a shift in tone, a new friendship... each can spark a storm of worry. Are they pulling away? Are they losing interest? Did I do something wrong? These thoughts are not simply fleeting anxieties. They are essential survival instincts born in childhood where this kind of awareness was necessary in an emotionally unpredictable landscape.
This constant vigilance can lead to cycles of reassurance-seeking behavior—checking in repeatedly with a partner, overanalyzing their responses, or asking friends for their interpretations. Ironically, this pattern can strain relationships, as partners may feel overwhelmed by the pressure to continually soothe these fears. Recognizing this tendency and learning to self-soothe can help break the cycle, allowing relationships to feel more balanced and secure.
For the anxiously attached, relationships often come with a river of overthinking—like a detective always looking for clues. A delayed text response, a shift in tone, a new friendship... each can spark a storm of worry. Are they pulling away? Are they losing interest? Did I do something wrong? These thoughts are not simply fleeting anxieties. They are essential survival instincts born in childhood where this kind of awareness was necessary in an emotionally unpredictable landscape.
When love isn’t present in its tangible form, the mind finds other ways to keep it alive. For the anxiously attached, fantasy often becomes the bridge between longing and reality—a beautifully constructed world where connection is unwavering, needs are effortlessly met, and love is finally safe.
This might look like idealizing a partner to an unrealistic degree, imagining future scenarios that haven't yet happened, or replaying past interactions with a sense of nostalgia or regret. While daydreaming can be a source of comfort, it can also prevent true presence and connection in real relationships. Healing means embracing reality as it is, rather than as we wish it to be.
When love isn’t present in its tangible form, the mind finds other ways to keep it alive. For the anxiously attached, fantasy often becomes the bridge between longing and reality—a beautifully constructed world where connection is unwavering, needs are effortlessly met, and love is finally safe.
Setting a boundary can feel like standing at the cliff’s edge—one step forward, and the love might disappear. For the anxious attached, boundaries are risks that could push someone away.
Boundaries can feel unfamiliar because, in childhood, asserting needs might have led to withdrawal or punishment rather than security. This can create a deep fear that saying "no" or asking for space will lead to abandonment. Learning that healthy boundaries create stronger relationships—not weaker ones—is essential. They allow for true intimacy, where both partners feel safe to express their needs without fear of losing the connection altogether.
Setting a boundary can feel like standing at the cliff’s edge—one step forward, and the love might disappear. For the anxious attached, boundaries are risks that could push someone away.
Idealization often goes hand in hand with anxious attachment. When you meet someone who sparks a deep yearning, it’s easy to see only their best qualities and to craft a version of them that fits perfectly into the story your heart longs to sing.
If you find yourself more focused on what others think of you than on how you feel about yourself, this too may resonate. Anxious attachment places so much emphasis on external approval that the relationship with the self often takes a backseat.
This is just the beginning of understanding anxious attachment and the patterns that shape us. The more we see these behaviors with compassion rather than judgment, the more space we create for healing. Love is not something to chase, perform for, or anxiously cling to—it’s something that flourishes when we begin to feel safe enough within ourselves to receive it.
Sergio is a psychedelic preparation, guidance, and integration coach with over 30 years of experience. His highly unique approach blends the ancient wisdom of indigenous cultures of Latin America, where he studied extensively, with Western training in integrative medicine and psychology.
Bridging traditional guidance with neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) and modern psychology, he has developed a proprietary and transformative coaching style. As a lifelong healer, artist, and spiritual counselor, he has compassionately guided individuals and couples toward healing and fulfillment, drawing inspiration from his mentorships in Mexico, Peru, Brazil, and Colombia.He is currently mentoring mental health professionals in psychedelic-assisted therapy.
He can be reached at PsychedelicTherapyMentor@Proton.me